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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.