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99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.