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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Iām not crazy just the voices are!
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"