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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.