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I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?