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Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...