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Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work