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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers