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Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
I put the hot in psychotic.
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.