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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!