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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.