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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.