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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Good for you, people that do things.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.