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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.