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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Never trust a skinny chef
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
This patience thing takes forever.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?