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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Match dot com, but for socks.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
Iām always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...