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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Everyday Iām shoveling. ā Winter 2014
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?