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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.