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Finally got my Bon Jovi Sat Nav working... Wooahh we`re half way there.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."