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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling