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Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…