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Maybe vodka is addicted to me
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.