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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.