Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.