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My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.