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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
The problem with you is ... you exist.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.