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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.