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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Now accepting applications for partners in crime. Please read all fine print:adult language and partial nudity may be required.
Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(