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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.