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Happy people don`t take long showers.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
Yes I am a bad boy ... But your the one that`s going to get spanked.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100