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Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
I fake my LOLs
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
I liked you better before we met.
Anyone else has a plastic bag at home full of plastic bags?
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.