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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
I`m having an out of money experience.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.