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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
i think lady gaga puts glue on herself, and rolls around random items.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords