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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
I grew up for this?
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.