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I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!