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I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
Being an American is awesome. The end.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.