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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Mondays are middle finger approved
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?