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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?