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Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.