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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.