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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.