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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there`d be one less blogger.