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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.