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ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.