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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Testing.. Testing.. This is a test. If this were an actual ploy for attention.. I would`ve said "bacon" or "boobies."
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.