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Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.