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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.