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It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.