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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often