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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.