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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride