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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
I do what I want, when I want, where I want.. if my mom says its ok. :)