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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.