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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.