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"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?