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This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver