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I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.