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Most problems can be solved with nudity
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Iām positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.