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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”