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I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.