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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.