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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.