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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."