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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
Next time you think life`s not fair..think of this x large clothes cost $2 more than large so why doesn`t small cost $2 less ? Being fat ....now that`s unfair
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
My cardio is shopping.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
I`d hit that. - women drivers
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie