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Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?