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I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...