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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Being alive is so expensive.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.