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I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there