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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.