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If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.