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Iām shy at first, but once Iām comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime