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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.